cake and such.

why is it that it always comes to you two? i am angry. why? shouldn't time account for anything? you preached one way all our lives...preached- maybe that's where you went wrong. nobody talks about it to you. why would we? sitting at a table in an italian restaurant- you are 80% of the conversation, yet nobody tells you this. there is no point in looking into your eyes and twisting them around until the blood covers up a life you think you are living...like you did to us. remember that? i promise you we won't do that to you. we know better. we are better. was it for the money? was it for conformity? settling....did that cross your mind? help me understand how my relationships end, and i cannot even start to feel my own loss, because you are in the forefront of my mind. am i blaming you like a child would? yes. an adult should know better, right? an adult should realize that people change, everything is temporary, "things happen for a reason"....now, i throw up. i throw up cliches of what the therapists say. give me a fucking break- you lied. you both lied. constantly. and now, because it's your birthday, i will swallow all of my feelings and spit out streamers and cake. for christmas, i will make sure you are happier than me, because nothing says "im healed" like a new sweater. stop. seriously, stop pretending. for once, stop citing AA slogans and quotes from jesus christ. jesus christ. just be real. who the fuck are you two? i would like to know. sincerely.


and so...
when she looked at her that one night, a flood arose. black water. grey. red dust. this time, it was much clearer- easily deciphered than past experiences. no. it is done now. she sat smiling, though, looking straight into her eyes, knowing that in the past it took years to pick up on, and now, in an instant, she could see it. i felt it. the guilt, followed by anger and sadness. she knew immediately that such a cruelty could not be justified...and so...she smiled. she smiled for her ability to recognize and love herself for once. but, i love you. i didn't think i did, but i honestly do. i love you purely. her road is just leading in a different direction, and that is okay. can we try and go in peace though? i promise you i will try. you are so beautiful.
and when...


remember when you yelled at me about the wedding cake? i get that it was symbolic of your loss, but you were hurting me. you didn't care to see how scared and hurt i was. i drove away that night so afraid of the monster you turned into. lifetime movies flashed before my eyes. how am i actually witnessing this? did you ever wonder where i drove to? did you care? did you ever ask? no. you didn't. he was waiting for me outside when i returned. i went to our church. did you know that?

remember when you yelled at me on the drive back from college one year? you said, "he's not good enough for you!" i wasn't really talking about him. at all. in fact, i just wanted to listen to the radio to be honest. you kept on him as if you knew more than i did. do you know what i was thinking? why are you doing this to her? why are you mad at yourself? what have you done?

and so...