Wednesday, September 8, 2010

no limits.

“When f(x) = 2x, use the value….”

“Ask the ‘No Limit Solider!” he flashed his dashing smile, while taking a break from playing tetris on his T2 scientific calculator he borrowed from his teammate.

Ms. Nettles, like always, stopped her lesson, to engage in his attention-seeking explosions. “Well….maybe I should…” She slowly turned her heavy-set statue, and shifted over to the file cabinet where the tiny, green toy soldier had been placed on Friday afternoon before the pep rally. As she moved across the classroom, a waft of 1977 (maybe 1978) flowery perfume spread through the air. I will never forget that raunchy smell. I turned my head from my book and smiled at my boyfriend. How does he do it? His smile back to me begged me for my participation. I knew the look, and accepted the bet. We always competed…who could push it the furthest, and we both secretly got off to playing the game. Game on.

“Now, I believe he says that when f(x) = 2x….,” she slowly began…

“---wait! do you hear that?!” I interrupted, stepping up to the plate. “No Limit Soldier is actually is saying that we should have pizza delivered to our classroom.”  It was a bold move, but one, if politicized correctly, would send my boyfriend into defeat. I got this. I got this. Despite the appropriate laughs from the class, as well as Ms. Nettles, from a typical jokester outburst, I began stating my case in the most serious and convincing tone in my arsenal. In the midst of comparing why ordering pizza could relate to our math lesson, I turned to my boyfriend (mostly for approval, but also to mock him, knowing that I was going to pull this off) who was shaking his head and smiling. He had put the ‘No Limit Soldier’ toy (conjured up from a rap song, and a lesson on numerical approaches to limits- Nettles, of course, only knew the connection between the toy’s name and the latter of the two derivatives…..pun intended) on the file cabinet, staring right in my direction a week before. He said it was to remind me that he controls the classroom. If I weren’t the Sagittarius that I am, we would have ended right then and there. However, I adored our playful nature, and we pushed one another constantly while seeking laughs.



* I drove up to my old high school the morning before my flight back to New York. It was the first time I set foot in the place since graduation…8 years ago. Confidently walking into the teachers lounge with a good friend, I pulled up a chair and began the tedious process of explaining what I had been doing, where I had been, praising the structural changes of the high school, noting how young the students look nowadays…blah, blah, blah. I turned to my left where she had just sat down. “So, do you remember me?” I asked, knowing there was a very slim chance Ms. Nettles, well into her 60s would recognize me.

“Now,” she began in her creaky, high-pitched voice, “how on earth could I forget the only student in my 35 years of teaching that convinced me to order pizza and have it delivered to our classroom? Tell me. What are you doing with your life?”

“I actually was inspired by you, and ended up becoming a mathematician.”




I texted him before I got on my plane back to New York to let him know I got her last. Before I could even sit back and enjoy my victory, he challenged my play. With the same politicized attitude, he promptly informed me that flat out lying to the woman doesn’t count. Until next time- Here’s to “The Game.”




Thursday, June 24, 2010

music find.

these are my two favorite cocorosie songs right now. i just got their new album, "grey oceans" a few weeks ago, and it hasn't left my cd player in my car. i don't really know how to critique an album musically, but i know what i like and what i don't, and i like their sound very much. highly recommended- go buy it. the second video, featuring the song "lemonade" from their new album, is one of those tunes that i just keep repeating over and over again once it ends. i love songs that are able to capture that much of my attention to where i get super excited once i start my car, knowing i get to listen to music that moves me in some form or fashion. the video is pretty amazing, too. hope you enjoy!






note: at 2:55....i really want to be this woman when i am older. fingers crossed!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

USMNT- oh. my. god.


today was epic in the soccer world. i am speechless. i have just been smiling all day. if you saw our boys go to battle against algeria then you know what i am talking about. landon donovan scored the game winning goal in stoppage time in the 91st minute of the match, advancing the usmnt to the second round (a round of 16 teams). for as long as i can remember landon donovan has been a key player, if not the best player, on this team- today he gave american soccer fans such joy through his leadership, tears, and words. what a humble, hardworking athlete! i am so proud of usa in this tournament. not only have they battled through two matches with their heads held high despite disallowed goals, they continue to portray such class on and off the field. this is the usmnt's first world cup group title since 1930, and they will face ghana (easier than germany) this saturday. i guarantee you that clint dempsey will put one in the net. there is no question in my mind. go usa! thank you for the passion and the reminder that there is just so much beauty in the game of soccer.



Tuesday, June 22, 2010

"merman, pop. merman."

i wanted to write a little about the coney island mermaid parade i checked out last weekend. i wish i had taken more pictures, but i was just mesmerized by the sights and sounds of a world so foreign to me that i kept completely present. growing up in tennessee and then spending several years in south carolina, i wouldn't say i have been too exposed to drag king/queen titans, glittered covered women dressed as sea creatures, and all the spontaneity the coney island boardwalk has to offer including beach bums, carnival rides, blasting music, and your typical crazy here and there shouting about the world coming to an end. with one glance i saw little kiddies eating corn dogs the size of their heads, holding their parents hands while trying to pull away to chase seagulls. right next to this family- a man in dreads drumming away to his own beat on a set of makeshift bongos. i felt like i was in some kind of pee-wee herman movie where every turn leads to vibrant colors and carnival characters. i felt alive. whenever i feel like i'm in a pee-wee herman flick or an indiana jones movie, i know i am on the right path in life. two women on stilts dressed as mermaids with long, blue hair came sweeping past me on either side, and i felt like a six year old who lost her parents, but wanted to keep exploring on the crowded boardwalk. the parade is held annually to celebrate the "sand, the sea, the salt air and the beginning of summer, as well as the history and mythology of Coney Island, Coney Island pride, and artistic self-expression." mission accomplished. there was this little section off the boardwalk where a crowd had gathered. so, of course, i had to make my way in and see what the excitement was all about. "Shoot the Freak." what? in a small quad down below the boardwalk, a man sprinted from barrier to barrier trying not to get hit by two loud hicks (i'll say it) who were rolling with laughter, shooting paintball guns at the "freak." don't get me wrong, i love paintball, but something about this just didn't sit right with me. i mean, the game itself seems fun, but i guess i didn't care for the title of the game. does this condone ignorance? "hey this person is different, a freak, let us shoot him." i know the title is silly and everyone was having a good time, but part of me over analyzed the whole thing. we are all freaks. maybe the point of the title was to embrace our inner freak and make light of the fact that society tends to 'target' the 'freaks.' i like that, if so. that's why i like lady gaga, she is a self-proclaimed freak. i wouldn't shoot paintballs at her though. or would i? anyways, the entire day was amazing. i am so grateful that i got to experience the coney island boardwalk and all its glory on such a beautiful, summer day.


i need coffee before making coffee.

my college roommates shook their heads in dismay when i walked back into our apartment after visiting another friend next door. "are you serious, kaylan?" uh oh. what did i do? hmm...i got nothing. then i noticed my grilled chee- excuse me, my charcoaled, burnt to a crisp grilled cheese sandwich stuck to the pan, smoke everywhere.

30 minutes earlier: kaylan was hungy and started making a grilled cheese sandwich. kaylan ran next door to talk to her friend, allie, for what was suppose to only take a minute, so she could hurry back and flip her sandwich. kaylan totally forgot about her grilled cheese. oops. note: no alcohol was involved in this situation, unfortunately.


i preface this post with my grilled cheese story only to emphasize that i have moronic behavior. i embrace it, but it does make life a little messy. i simply get distracted with things. i woke up this morning and started my routine. first on the list, walk to the coffee pot and get it started. yes, i have the auto button, but making coffee in the morning at least gets me moving, plus i don't like to commit to making coffee in case i want to go somewhere else in the morning for some. who knows how i will feel when i wake up- i sure don't. so here we go. water. check. filter. check. coffee (caffe sanora organic antioxidant dark roast coffee- shout out because it's so good). check. switch the on button. check. back in my comfy bed to read my morning meditation passage. needless to say, all was well, despite the unusual sound of the coffee maker. eh. a few moments go by and while reading i got distracted (shocking) and happened to glance over to where my coffee maker was only to notice that my coffee pot was sitting about a foot away from where it should have been. fuck. coffee was steaming all over my counter and dripping down onto the floor. oh, simple tasks in life. i'm going to say that the moral of the story, the lesson i am taking anyways, is um...how about....don't be an idiot and make sure your pot is clean and in position. ha.

another note: the grilled cheese event happened twice...within the same month. yep. 

Monday, June 7, 2010

where oh where is carter lavin? squids like 'the sex.'

well good afternoon, lovelies. i'm taking a minute to sip on some coffee, black, of course. my father started me off on black coffee near the end of high school, confirming, "you have to start off this way. it's the only way." and that was that. i found this amazing coffee mug in a thrift store (gross, right? ha.) in philadelphia one day that is baby blue and says "i stayed awake during carter lavin's bar mitzvah 10-13-01." i thought it was hilarious for some reason, and find it even more rewarding to test my company when they wake up for a morning cup of coffee. "here you go." not everyone passes the test. those who find it awkward and hilarious ultimately win my heart. i added to my bucket list- find this carter lavin kid. i would love to just show up in front of him, drinking from this mug. maybe i should embrace our worlds greatest tool that is facebook (obviously) and do a quick search. for some reason, i want to find him organically though- through fate. i'm somewhat impractical like that, even though i try and trick myself that i am not. i was in the shower last night and used the soap you gave me. for some reason the last coin-sized amount gave off the strongest fragrance. i didn't want it to end. there were a few bits too small to use for "practical" reasons, so i coldly kicked them down the drain before i realized it was gone completely. after staring at the drain for a few seconds with some flashbacks, i happened to notice a small, golden chunk of karma hidden behind the conditioner. i gently picked it up, and placed it high on the shower shelf where it wouldn't drown, and can always live on. practical? i'm a dichotomy to myself most days- forcefully preaching practical versus impractical, pretending emotion doesn't fall into the mix. i opened up a box of irish spring soap and placed it in the shower...for practical reasons.

i had one of those nights last night where i couldn't sleep. i stayed up researching the most random things. one question just kept leading to the other. colbert turned into 'what is the story behind waterboarding?' which led to 'where is george w. now?' which led to 'youtube's bush's best bloopers' (excluding his entire presidential reign) which then turned into an episode of cops, googling guitar chords, reading about BP, and then ultimately how lady gaga grew up. yeah...there were more embarrassing google and wikipedia searches, but you get the point. i finally fell asleep when the birds started singing me a tune, and woke nearly two hours later. hence, the continuous act of drinking black coffee. despite the lack of sleep, i'm feeling great today. i think it has something to do with learning that squids have sex all day long for two weeks! and...good day to you!


Saturday, June 5, 2010

jack.

dear little one, exactly one year ago on this day i got a call about you. on the other side of the line- tears, roars of pain. you had been inside your mommy for 8 months. today, you were gone. no sense reminiscing about the loss and struggle. you wouldn't want that. i know. so, instead, i just wanted to say i love you. i love you because you brought us all such joy in a short amount of time. i love you, because you knew my voice, and would kick and dance in the womb whenever i sang the indiana jones theme song. obviously, you have the best taste. i love you for watching over your family, especially your little sister. your handprints are so tiny, scrap booked and cherished. tiny baby nike shoes still line the closet. i won't lie, it's been very difficult for your mom and dad. nobody has any words of comfort even though we wish we could spit out every eloquent sentence that ever existed in order to make them happy. but, the truth is, they just miss you and wish you were here to celebrate your first birthday. are you celebrating? are you dancing? laughing? i hope so. today, i promise you i will dance- i will dance in your honor. i love you sweet boy.



almost like a pre-game tradition. zoning out, blackberry in hand, focused on what needs to get accomplished. no emotion. eyes on road. driving 85 mph, the cop just sheepishly asks her to slow down after he sees the look of sisterly duty in her authoritative eyes. she called her boss, got out of work, and then called my mother, who didn't pick up. she was...busy.

i remember the doctors and the look on my mother's face when they told her. i felt like i had done something wrong. but, i just needed to go- it's hard to explain. i know it's cliche to say "it's complicated," but it is, and i am sorry for that. but i do promise you one day, you will understand what i mean.

she ran her shuttle back and forth from my uncle's house to the hospital to the airport. constant motion, constant to-do list. she couldn't stop, because she didn't want to feel the immense pain that was on the horizon, growing closer. calls to friends and family- she made them. booking hotels- she made the reservations. all of a sudden the tasks were complete, and she could no longer run.

i remember when my aunt came into the hospital room to see my mother. my body was still inside my mommy, but i was watching from another place. my mother looked like a child, scared, needing comfort. what comfort could you give? she looked at the dark circles under her eyes and her sweet face that had been glowing for 8 months that now seemed colorless. she sat down and slipped her hand into hers. every possible arrangement of words that came to her mind seemed disgustingly stupid. she wanted to be there for my mother for once. my mother has always looked after my aunt- endless advice, constant support and love. time froze as they stared at one another. the hand grip got tighter and tighter. "i don't know," with a head shake, tears forming in her eyes. "it will be okay," comforted my mother.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

cake and such.

why is it that it always comes to you two? i am angry. why? shouldn't time account for anything? you preached one way all our lives...preached- maybe that's where you went wrong. nobody talks about it to you. why would we? sitting at a table in an italian restaurant- you are 80% of the conversation, yet nobody tells you this. there is no point in looking into your eyes and twisting them around until the blood covers up a life you think you are living...like you did to us. remember that? i promise you we won't do that to you. we know better. we are better. was it for the money? was it for conformity? settling....did that cross your mind? help me understand how my relationships end, and i cannot even start to feel my own loss, because you are in the forefront of my mind. am i blaming you like a child would? yes. an adult should know better, right? an adult should realize that people change, everything is temporary, "things happen for a reason"....now, i throw up. i throw up cliches of what the therapists say. give me a fucking break- you lied. you both lied. constantly. and now, because it's your birthday, i will swallow all of my feelings and spit out streamers and cake. for christmas, i will make sure you are happier than me, because nothing says "im healed" like a new sweater. stop. seriously, stop pretending. for once, stop citing AA slogans and quotes from jesus christ. jesus christ. just be real. who the fuck are you two? i would like to know. sincerely.


and so...
when she looked at her that one night, a flood arose. black water. grey. red dust. this time, it was much clearer- easily deciphered than past experiences. no. it is done now. she sat smiling, though, looking straight into her eyes, knowing that in the past it took years to pick up on, and now, in an instant, she could see it. i felt it. the guilt, followed by anger and sadness. she knew immediately that such a cruelty could not be justified...and so...she smiled. she smiled for her ability to recognize and love herself for once. but, i love you. i didn't think i did, but i honestly do. i love you purely. her road is just leading in a different direction, and that is okay. can we try and go in peace though? i promise you i will try. you are so beautiful.
and when...


remember when you yelled at me about the wedding cake? i get that it was symbolic of your loss, but you were hurting me. you didn't care to see how scared and hurt i was. i drove away that night so afraid of the monster you turned into. lifetime movies flashed before my eyes. how am i actually witnessing this? did you ever wonder where i drove to? did you care? did you ever ask? no. you didn't. he was waiting for me outside when i returned. i went to our church. did you know that?

remember when you yelled at me on the drive back from college one year? you said, "he's not good enough for you!" i wasn't really talking about him. at all. in fact, i just wanted to listen to the radio to be honest. you kept on him as if you knew more than i did. do you know what i was thinking? why are you doing this to her? why are you mad at yourself? what have you done?

and so...

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

your laughter.

today, i just felt like sharing one of my favorite poems by neruda. he is, without a doubt, a "torch-bearer" so to speak- one of the most influential poets to turn the tragedies he witnessed in his country into art. he was revolutionary. beyond his poetry, a statement he made has always stuck with me (as in i remember it impacted me, but had to google that shit- cause, um...i definitely cannot remember the word 'unassailable'...or can i? hmmm- quiz me when you see me). upon receiving the nobel prize for literature, neruda commented on his journey: "there is no unassailable solitude. all roads lead to the same point: to the communication of who we are. and we must travel across lonely and rugged terrain, through isolation and solitude, to reach the magic zone where we can dance an awkward dance." a poet so engaged in politics, a leader of freedom for his country, a passionate artist- still....still. still stressed the significance of silence and isolation. how can we consciously leave our footprint in the world unless we know fully each wrinkle, freckle, callous, and size of our own foot? maybe we have to check in every now and then to see if new bruises, hairs, or warts have formed. perhaps we need to check in again to cut our toe nails- or just one- or go into the doctor for an embarrassing, but necessary removal of some sort. slice. blood. bandage. healed. nevertheless, check in. never stop checking in with yourself, learning who you are, what you want, where you are going- otherwise you won't be able to distinguish your own footprint from ones you follow, or worse, ones who have chosen to walk beside you.


your laughter

deprive me of bread, if you want,
deprive me of air, but
don't deprive me of your laughter.

don't deprive me of the rose,
the spear you shed the grains with,
the water splashing
swiftly in your joy,
the sudden silver wave
born in you.

my struggle is painful. as i return
with my eyes sometimes tired
from watching
the unchanging earth,
your laughter enters
and raises to heaven
in search of me,
to open
all the doors of life.

my loved one, in the darkest hour,
unsheath your laughter,
and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the cobblestones,
laugh, for your laughter
will be for my hands
like an unsullied sword.

near the sea in autumn,
your laughter must rise
in its cascade of foam,
and in spring, my love,
i want your laughter
to be like the flower i anticipated,
the blue flower, the rose
of my resonant homeland.

laugh at the night,
all the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at the clumsy
young man who loves you.
yet when i open my eyes
and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for i would die.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Voyage.

She sat across from a man for the first time- not her father, finding ways to not accept
She couldn’t.
Anxiety and anger were not present, shocking to her inner child, whom she had been burying into her chest, wrapped in a Light Blue blanket, protecting the infant from the damaging heat for the last few years.
She accepted and moved forward with the engagement
Stories unfolded, laughter took precedence- and all the Past somehow
Turned from a twisted, dismal Confusion, to a tunnel of light- moving quickly, growing brighter.

She sat across from a woman for the first time- not her mother, finding ways to not accept
She couldn’t.
With salty tears nowhere on the horizon, she felt compelled to quickly
Judge herself. As she always did. Did she lose her heart? Could she not feel anymore?
A voyage that once brought on hurricanes and damage has led her to arrive safely.

Crawling slowly onto a shore on all fours, battered from strong winds, but now standing stronger
Black and White images flashing from past to present where she stood- a series of battles
I am here, and I am feeling- uncomfortably feeling the happiness of this life without regression.
Why? She knows why. And she stands with her arms out, pointed to the Light Blue sky, Laughing. Laughing at the journey. Laughing at the beauty. Laughing at her Trust that for some reason never left her.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

"you'll know."

sometimes the best way to describe how i feel is through a song. i know i haven't been writing much. i think i have a lot to say, but am trying to find the time and inspiration to actually write it out. for now, i think i am in reflection mode- from a short, but significant trip back home to tennessee, to realizing what i thought i wanted was not the case, to being truly happy, to a moment in time of genuine comfort and connection i thought i wouldn't feel again.

i went to see jonsi (part of sigur ros) the other night in nyc. i cannot even put into words how powerful the concert was for me. the music itself is incredible, but the musicians were simply brilliant- switching instruments, physically feeling their language as they played. the visualization on stage and on the backdrop told stories throughout the show, making you feel like you were on another world- a sort of out of body experience. if you get to see him live, go go go. here are two songs that really touch me both musically and lyrically.





Tuesday, March 9, 2010

tuesday music find.

good afternoon, friends. i might be a little behind in jumping on The xx bandwagon, but i'm glad i did. check them out, and see what you think for yourself!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

day to day.

these are some of my daily indulgences at the moment, and, for now, they are all highly recommended to all.

1. thursday plantation's tea tree australian chewing sticks (i'm proud to say i have turned friends and co-workers into toothpick junkies). you can pick these little boogers up at your nearest health food store. these birchwood toothpicks are 'impregnated' (says the box...which i like and think is funny....cause i'm a twelve year old) with tea tree oil and other natural extracts. i'd say i'm up to a pack every couple of weeks. i'll cut back...when i'm ready.

2. andrew bird's noble beast album (check playlist below to hear just a little sampling of this goodness). you can buy the album on his website here, if you are inclined to do so. my mornings have consisted of coffee in hand, tea tree australian chewing stick (only $3.99 a pack!) dangling in mouth (like a true southerner), and mister bird's anonanimal blasting in my car.

3. meetings. i have been making more of an effort to get to meetings, such as nyack's village hall planning board meetings, book discussions at the library, and other groups that support a common interest. i find that even if i am not in the mood for the small talk with random people i don't know, i always walk away learning something about my community, literature, or myself.

4. double espresso. anyone who wants to buy me an espresso machine is highly encouraged. i just like to think i'm doing my part by stimulating the economy. i'm such a great citizen!

5. writing pretend scripts for 30 Rock and SNL in my head....and then laughing to myself because i think they are hilarious....god, i'm such a loser. yes, this is, unfortunately, a daily activity. (i wonder if this has something to do with not having cable).

6. lighting a candle. (if you are like me when it comes to relaxing, also check out AuraCacia brand aromatherapy....this isn't a daily ritual, but i had to share the wealth).

7. reading at night- either a novel, the new yorker, or the paper. no matter what, a poem is the last thing i read before sleep....the best ones are from people in your life.

8. laughing.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

magic gardens are like oatmeal on a cold day.


so, i was roaming the south street neighborhood of philadelphia with some friends this past weekend, and i thankfully stumbled upon one of the best displays of community beautification i have ever laid eyes on. i have always been obsessed with cities, landscapes, architecture, and the integration of art within communities. so in my own little world, i was standing there as indiana jones would upon his latest find. no, i am not being dramatic. i'm just weird. it's the simple things. philadelphia's magic gardens is a folk art environment and gallery space that shows the brilliant mosaic work of mr. isaiah zagar. i encourage you to read more about his devotion to the south street neighborhood on the website. essentially, zagar began revitalizing the area in the 60's, with the help of his wife, by creating an indoor gallery and gigantic outdoor labyrinthine from objects (bottles, bicycles, umbrellas, mirrors, mom's pearls, grandpa's dentures- not really...well, maybe, i don't know...but you get the point) and recycled material found on the streets of the neighborhood. there are tributes, and tours, and tunnels, and grottos galore! unfortunately, i only got to spend a few moments staring through the gates, eyes wide open, and jaw dropped....m-e-s-m-e-r-i-z-e-d. like all enticing treats, this artwork left me wanting more. i cannot wait to go back and explore!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

komodo dragon.

"hi nate. how was your day, buddy?"





i come here everyday. i like it. yes, i heard you ask how my day was, but i already answered you in my head. my day? it was good. i like that we made cookies in school, and i got to take them home with me. i like how much fun we had and that we got to mix food coloring to make whatever color frosting we wanted. i liked watching a movie about lizards. i learned that komodo dragons can be up to 9 ft and they eat pigs! i want to see that in real life! my day was good like this cookie.

"can i just have another cookie? the light of marriage!"
"you brought those from school, nate. i don't have any cookies here. but, how was your day? was it good?"

maybe i can give this cookie to the girl next door, so that she will kiss me and be my girlfriend. im already 12 years old. i want a girlfriend like i see on tv. i watched an episode where a man and woman get married and they talked about marriage and commitment. it seems special. i want to find out. i have to go next door. 

"can i take this, and and and give it to a girl?" she asked me how my day was again. i thought i answered. 

"nate, how was your day? can you tell me that first?"
"good! how was your day? 9 feet, so you better watch out!" she says i have to have good behavior and then i can go next door- oh what is that?! i know she is talking to me about where i heard "the light of marriage," but i don't really remember the show i heard it from. she thanked me for caring enough to ask how her day is going, but i always care. i just forget to ask. i try and remember, but- hey, it's snowing! my brother and i can play in the snow tomorrow if we, but- oh, i forgot to say hi to my brother when i came in. ill tell her more about my day. she will appreciate that. why did she ask about how i said komodo dragons are 9 feet? doesn't she know what i'm talking about?

"komodo dragons are the biggest of the lizard species!" i love sharing what i remember! i love twirling around and seeing all the different views all at one time. there's my brother. whoa! there he is again. luke! hey, luke! this is so fun!

"how do you know so much about komodo dragons, nate? you are very smart."





"hi, luke!"

Monday, February 22, 2010

knowledge.


i wanted to try and illustrate what i perceive to be the natural flow of self-awareness with this photo using placement of words, and colors. the tree itself is absolutely breathtaking, and stands alone in an open savannah at the Murchison Falls National Park. how do you view the process of inner growth? do you think of certain images when reflecting on your journey of self? 

Sunday, February 21, 2010

post valentines love.

sitting here this afternoon with a cup of tea and counting my blessings. last night i went to listen to some extremely talented musician friends play down the street in a little coffee shop, and i was completely lifted listening to their incredible music. the music was folky and fun at times, and i just kept picturing them in a bathtub, wearing rags, going down a river, waving and smiling like they knew something we didn't know....those are probably my issues....and i like them...nevertheless, my friends put on an amazing performance. i was captivated. what i found most rewarding though was the number of people who came to listen and support these guys. it's so empowering to see such love and care coming from your community. i'm so blessed to have found wonderful friends in this town. i really cannot speak more highly of them (you know who you are). i also started thinking about my friends in my life that i love, but aren't in new york. even though i cannot be physically close to them, they are part of me each and every day (cliche' and mushy, i'm well aware). so, with the passing of the valentines season, know that i love you all deeply and sincerely.

i imagine you stirring up a debate in your hometown just because you love getting people riled up. you probably didn't even agree with yourself, but you found it entertaining to charm your way through the situation, because you know everyone adores you. i love you.


i imagine you putting aside all your other 'to-dos' to have lunch with a friend who needs to talk. you are probably stressed to get to your work, but you have the most amazing grace and compassion for others that your worries fly away so that you can be present for a friend. i love you.

i imagine that you and your sweet husband are driving to brunch after church, but you missed a turn, because you were talking on the phone. you throw your hand up in a dramatic way, but then realize....it's going to be okay. you are so strong. i love you.

i imagine you reading in your favorite coffee shop at the foot of those beautiful blue mountains, perhaps enjoying some carrot cake. you just talked to five random people, because you love learning from others and people are automatically drawn to you and your incredible laugh. i love you.

i imagine you waking up and going through your exact routine today. you make a call to a friend who is stressed, and sit and listened with all your heart while giving the best advice...always. the hour long call was not on your list, but when it comes to us, it doesn't matter. i love you.

i imagine you taking your sunday by storm. you are full of energy and nothing gets you down, even a windy city. you are meeting with a big group of friends you have made, even in a new city, to play some crazy game, or go to a concert. you are living life fully and are admired by everyone who gets lucky enough to meet you. i love you.

i imagine you dancing. you are taking the garbage out from a fun night, and you are dancing. you are making a sandwich (not a 'hot pocket'), and you are dancing. you are in line at the movies, and you are dancing. you are always dancing to life. i love you.

i imagine you getting out of your yoga class today. you are smiling while listening to the newest music that you cannot wait to share with your friends back east, because making others happy, makes you happy. you swing by the tiny post office to ship out a care package...just because you love to love. i love you.

i imagine you working on a sunday. you are stressed, because you are working. on . a. sunday. you wouldn't have it any other way. you are determined, and you smile knowing that outside those office walls is a world you come home to and love. i love you.


i imagine you walking the dirt paths in your faraway land that you call a second home. you are with a visitor who desires an adventure, and you ever so graciously take on the host role. you are kind and patient as they stumble through a foreign language, not so foreign to you anymore. your humility is calming. and as you walk past a small stretch of stores and people, you snapped photographs in your mind. you know the different types of smiles and the names of those who possess them. you are telling your visitor about the spices you smell and remembering the edges on the rocks you just passed. you love detail and find beauty in everything. i love you.

i imagine you leaving the big group after you are done talking. you never have been one to sit still, or 'play the game' because everyone else is playing. you walk with your coffee, following your own heart, and come to a tree. you always have to read by a tree, don't you? you inspire me with your words, faith, and longing for a peaceful world. i love you.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

first things first- i like writing in all lower case.

after much prompting by a dear friend (and after watching Julie and Julia), i have decided to enter into this world that is blogging. does the first post have to be mind-boggling and in-your-face captivating? i feel like if there was a book on the etiquette of blogging, the first chapter regarding your first post would say something like this: "and make sure to use proper english and utilize the spellcheck button. your first post is your first impression to the world of your potential blogger followers, so grammar is essential. also, try and captivate your audience with radical ideas. try pushing the envelope a little further with sexual jargon, or controversial statements regarding human rights, health care issues, or.....sarah palin comments." i don't know. i'm fairly certain that my 'nest' of a blog, if you will (do people usually write out 'if you will'...hmm?), shall be liberated from all rules- including my own. well, thanks for allowing me to have a safe nest where i can land. i'm pretty pumped to enter into this journey. my name is kaylan- lower case writing, pablo neruda, and tiramisu are some likings.

soul food


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